Letters
by BofBanoff
Summary: Whilst Kirsten is in rehab, various people write letters to her. [Complete]
1. Seth

**Summary:** Whilst Kirsten is in rehab, various people write to her.

**Seth **

_Disclaimer: I own nothing to do with the O.C_

Hey mom, it's me. Your lovely, adorkable (yes it is a word, even Summer says so), rad (remember that?) son Seth. Remember, yay high, Jew-fro, stealth extraordinaire? Dad said we should write to you, since, you know, no contact for 72 hours, which sucks (I know, "don't say suck Seth").

So…I hope you're ok and getting the help you need. I love you. I don't say it enough. Well…ever really, but, let's not go there. This is harder than I thought it would be. For someone who likes to fit as many words as possible in a breath (remember when I learned those tongue-twisters and nearly passed out trying to do it in one breath?) this is weird. I mean, I'm more of an email person anyway, but I remember how you told me you hated the spelling (which, listen, I've heard that the "c u l8r" text language is a valuable way of young people thinking about grammar and adopting it to apply to a different situation). Well, I know I'm not going to convince you, so let's move on.

Well I've managed to ramble about nothing, which I guess kinda fits. I was going for a conversational letter, because I remember those formal letters we had to write in English and hated writing them, and because I knew I wasn't gonna end this letter with "Yours sincerely", I think I know you an eensy bit better than that.

Dad said it might be good if I wrote about my feelings. So, here goes. It hurts what you did. I think I maybe understand why, a little. It hurts that you did what you did and that now everyone's hurting because of it (if that makes any sense). But I don't want to put the blame solely on you, because I know all about paralysing self-doubt. I just want you to get better because, strange as this is to admit (and never mention this to anyone else), it hurts the most that you're gone. Not that I've gone and left you guys, but you've left me. Us. But I guess it goes both ways. Is this what it felt like when I went to Portland? Or was it doubled because of Ryan off to Chino? But the difference is I know the whys and the where and I don't know if that makes it easier or harder. I feel that maybe it's partly my fault, because I didn't notice, nobody really noticed, until it was too late. I should have been a better son, I know that. We haven't spent time together since forever really, and I should have changed that. Before Ryan came, I know I hated you showing any kind of affection for me, and you stopped, for me, even though I knew it hurt you. When I found out about Ryan's mom, I thought I had realised how much I loved you and how lucky I was. I thought I would show that, but I guess I never really did. When you get back, we'll change that, I swear. We'll watch sappy chick flicks, go shopping, whatever.

I miss you Mom. I mean, I always knew Dad and I had the most in common, the looks, the Jewishness, the sense of humour. Whereas you were, like, the total opposite. Waspy McWasp, cute button nose, blonde hair, blue-eyed Californian beach babe (which dude, you can totally be a babe. You're not even 40. But don't tell anyone I said this. And I know, "don't call your mother dude". Whatever). We never really had any common interests, and I know you tried, looking back I think that sometimes you tried so hard, and I just rejected it because it wasn't cool to "hang" with your mother. Not that I was ever cool, so I don't know why it was so important. And you know, the other kids all knew who you were through all the Newpsie and school charity events. They even included you in Ultimatum (if you don't know what it is ask Julie, I'm sure she'll know, I'm sure not telling you). They thought you were a cool mom, even if I wasn't a cool kid. See, you should be Marissa's mom; she's so much more similar to you than I am (that's not a reference to your…problem, by the way). She's just…well she used to be popular, she's into fashion, and even she looks more like you than I do.

Summer just popped in. She says hi by the way, and hopes you're doing ok. She says she'll take you shopping once you get out. She's been a bit down lately, with the whole Trey-Marissa thing. I think she's lonely, for some girl company. And mom-company I guess, seeing as the Stepmonster cannot be mentioned in any maternal capacity and her mom left years ago.

Marissa's in rehab too, but a different type. I don't want to drag you down with details, but she's not doing well. Ryan's been to see her. I don't think he's even begun to comprehend what's happened. It's…mind-boggling.

Anyway… to leave you with positive thoughts and happy memories I want to remind you about one of our interests- music. Not always a common interest, I mean your American Idol obsession alone…Kelly Clarkson? Really? It's better than Dad's show tunes though, I will admit that. Today I was looking through my CD collection and I found my old copy of Oasis' album (What's The Story) Morning Glory. I remembered when you were driving me to see Grandma Nichol when we lived in Berkeley, and you loved this CD and had it on in the car, and the first time I heard it, I loved it too. By the end of the journey I knew the words to Champagne Supernova (I remember that that was your favourite, it ended up on repeat all the time!) and we sang along and it was awesome. After visiting Grandma Nichol, you were sad, and I was sad too because I couldn't see her since she was too ill, so we blasted the CD and sang along on the way back to cheer us up. After that it was always our thing. Then one day, you gave that CD to me and it was the best present (bar Captain Oats) that I had ever had in my whole entire life (of 6 years, but still. I was very advanced. I knew good music when I heard it). Now, eleven years later, I'm holding this in my hands, and it reminds me of us. You and me. Just us. Maybe I don't have as many memories of us two as I do with dad, but I'll never forget that memory.

Get better, Mom, please. And I promise, once you get out, I'll drive you somewhere and blast the Oasis CD like we used to. Just you and me.

I love you Mom. I'll say it again, because I really don't say it enough. I miss you so much, Dad's a wreck without you. You need to make it up to Ryan the most though. I know I can sometimes be self-involved, but seriously. I don't know if he's upset, angry, pissed, all of the above or more but I think you should know why (apart from the Trey –Marissa thing). And if you don't, you should.

Don't worry about us too much. We men can take care of ourselves. There has been a marked improvement in kitchen safety also, I may add.

All my love,

Seth

Xxxx

P.S. Did you hide the takeout menus somewhere? I swear you've moved them. We can't survive on grilled cheese and barbecued steaks for long, I tell you.


	2. Sandy

Disclaimer: _I don't own the O.C. and the poem Valentine belongs to Carol Ann Duffy, an awesome poet we studied for English Literature._

_Thanks for all your reviews; this is only my second story so I'm still very new at this! For those of you asking about the 72 hours vs. Trey situation, I am in the UK and we haven't actually seen the last few episodes yet, I'm going from general spoilers so thanks for pointing it out. I assumed she would have known. So in this story, Kirsten knows the bare details. I'm also a very sporadic writer, so I won't be updating like once a week or whatever. It'll just be when I've written the next one. That said, enjoy!_

Sandy 

Hey sweetie, how are you holding up? They treating you ok? I know it's hard, but you can do it right? The richest girl in Newport Beach who had little trouble slumming it in a mail truck back in Berkeley? No problem for her. But then again, maybe that's the problem. Maybe you aren't her anymore. Just like I'm not the same person as I was back then. I think that's what Rebecca reminded me of, the past. I think people tend to idealise certain aspects of the past, and I think to me, Berkeley was my Golden Era. And while you were a big part of it, you weren't all of it, and it's the rest of it that Rebecca reminded me of. No one in Newport has ever really made an effort once they found out I was from the Bronx, and the ones who did didn't really share anything in common with me. I mean, Rebecca and I always had similar interests, which meant we hardly ever argued, so it seemed like we were a good couple, but it lacked the… passion, the fire, that comes with it. I needed closure, but it was wrong of me to do that when it was becoming at the cost of our relationship, our marriage. I realise this is probably not a topic you want to hear about, and you know me, always diving in at the deep end, but I think it needs to be said. And we haven't talked, I mean _really_ talked, for too long.

Keep working at it, babe. I you don't want to, but the rehab _will_ help. I'll be so proud of you. I love you. I promise, if it helps you get through this quicker, that I won't sing "If I Were a Rich Man" and songs from the entire _Grease_ collection at the dinner table. No promises about "Good Morning Sunshine" though, because, come on, that's a classic. If Clay Aiken sang it, you'd love it! I always think of you waking up every morning, with your mussed up blonde hair, cute little button nose that I miss kissing, the way your pyjamas fall on your hips, and I think of you all alone, and I miss you so much Kirsten.

Was it me? I mean, were things so bad, you couldn't talk to me about it? I know I was a prick over the Rebecca situation, but I thought things between us got better. But they didn't did they? They haven't been right really since Ryan and Seth left last summer, and that's too long. I guess other things came up, and we never really dealt with _us_. Boy, when you get home there's going to be so many people queuing up to spend time with you, to make amends with. But you'll give me priority, right? All I want to do is hold you, and make everything better, but things aren't that simple. I know it won't be easy coming back at first, but you hurt people, and you can't just make that go away. I remember, how hurt you were over Rebecca, and that's how I feel now, that you didn't trust me enough to talk to me, or that you didn't even realise that you had a problem. You said some harsh things to Ryan, and he's in a fragile state. You need to make it up big time to him. But it's not my place to tell you how to do that.

I don't want to focus on the negatives too much. I found this poem, and I think this applies to us.

_Not a red rose or a satin heart._

Because we're not superficial, we're not materialistic. What we have, it's real.

_I give you an onion._

_It is a moon wrapped in brown paper._

_It promises light_

_Like the careful undressing of love._

You are my onion. The light of my life, and all the romantic connotations that come with it. The goodness of you wrapped inside a gorgeous body. The intimacy, physical and emotional, that we share. You're the only one who can knock down my walls, and I like to think that I am the only who can do this to you too.

_Here._

_It will blind you with tears_

_like a lover._

_It will make your reflection_

_a wobbling photo of grief._

But like onions, you have layers. (Like ogres. Remember from Shrek? One of the movies you stayed awake through? But I hasten to add I'm not comparing you to ogres my darling, beautiful wife. Honestly!). When you left after the intervention, I cried. I'll admit it (although it would be nice if you didn't spread it around, because, as you know, I'm all man). You are the only person who can affect me so much. Sometimes, now that you're gone, I find it hard to function, to breathe without you. You're like oxygen to me baby. I look at our wedding photo, and my eyes blur so you look out of shape, not yourself. Maybe that reflects how I see you at the moment. I want the proper photo back. Help me put it back together, Kirsten. I need it, I need _you_.

_I am trying to be truthful._

_Not a cute card or kissogram._

Truth is what we avoid too much. A simple gesture won't go far enough any more. We used to tell each other everything. Let's go back to that, eh?

_I give you an onion._

_Its fierce kiss will stay on your lips,_

_possessive and faithful_

_as we are,_

_for as long as we are._

You are my onion. I hope I am yours. Tempted, but never stray, remember? I saw you looking at Carter, I saw a bit of me in him, but I hope my fierce kiss stayed on your lips. Remember in college when we were first dating, and I took you too that beautiful park, and carved "Sandy & Kirsten 4ever" on a tree? When you're out, I'll take you up there, because babe, it's you and me, always and forever. Just like the song. You can't get rid of me that easily.

_Take it._

_Its platinum loops shrink to a wedding ring,_

_if you like._

Our love bound us together, in marriage, but I believe we are intertwined, one cannot live without the other. Is this true? Do you feel this? You're probably thinking what a romantic sap I am, but I want you to get through this, and I feel so helpless sweetheart. You never felt trapped in our marriage, did you? I mean, we have been in ruts, but we've always managed to conquer them. Right?

_Lethal._

_Its scent will cling to your fingers,_

_cling to your knife_

My love for you sometimes scares me. Because I know I would do anything, _anything_ for you. But this reminds me of the ability of love to damage and hurt others. I know you were lashing out because you were scared, and you felt alone, but everyone's hurting. You're hurting, I'm hurting, Seth's hurting, and Ryan most of all is hurting. Get better babe, so you can come back and we can sort this out.

I love you, Kirsten Cohen. Always remember that. And know that you can conquer rehab, because you can, and because I believe in you.

Love, always and forever

Sandy

Xxxxxxx

P.S. We found the take out menus, crisis averted. Oh, one more thing, do you know what my password is for that law website. I think it was either _Topol, misssaigon_, or_ allthatjazz_, but you only get 2 tries then it blocks your account. Thanks! Love you xxx


	3. Ryan

_Disclaimer: I don't own the O.C. However, I do own a spiffy new Modest Mouse CD and new Avon goodies._

_Thanks for all the reviews guys! Yes, Ryan's next. I found this one a bit harder to write. It's a bit shorter than the others, (although longer than I expected) but I think it fits in with Ryan's character. Reviews are welcomed with open arms! That said; let's get to it!_

**Ryan**

Hey.

This is harder than I thought.

This is about the sixth draft I've started.

I'm…not so good with the words. Now take Seth, or Sandy, they could talk for California. But me, I like to convey more with a look. But, obviously, I don't think that will work here.

I would have written sooner, but things have been crazy here. Still are.

I miss you. I'm upset over what you said to me, but it doesn't make me miss you any less. I mean, after all my mom did, and put me through, I still love her, and she's done a lot worse stuff than you.

I mean it's my fault, I know. I'm the one who had an alcoholic mother; I should have been able to spot the signs. But I was too busy wrapped up in girl drama. I became too complacent.

I guess I'm not very good with emotions, but I do love you. I can't call you mom, ever, because that label belongs to Dawn, and brings up memories of her alcohol-fuelled abandonment. Even though you're in rehab, I never felt like you abandoned me, more like the other way around. Maybe you're not my "mom" but to me you're my mother, and that means a lot more. There's not many people who would take another person's kid as their own and love them as if they were flesh and blood. I should have been there to help you. I noticed that you weren't spending as much time with the Newpsies, or Sandy, but I didn't pay attention and I should have.

I know you didn't want me to stay at first, and I still wonder why you changed your mind, was it out of pity, or sympathy? Did it start that way then turn into something more? I think we're both kind of similar; we're definitely not the talkers of the family, so I think it took us longer to bond. I didn't realise that I had grown to love you until I had to leave for Chino. I guess I thought if I didn't love you, it would hurt both of us less when I left.

Did you ever notice how similar we look? Blonde hair, blue eyes. At the shower for Julie and your Dad's wedding, Marissa's Aunt Cindy actually thought I was your younger brother! Sometimes I think about that and wonder what it would have been like if I really was your son.

When I lived in Chino I thought that rich people would have no problems, turns out, they're mostly just a different set of problems. But some remain the same however much you earn or where you live. Like alcoholism.

Alcohol brings out the worst in people. My mom, Marissa, you. I know that it can make you lash out, I hope that at the intervention it was the alcohol talking, not you, but I guess there's a part of me that is still insecure about my place here, and you make me doubt myself most of all. At home, my dad and my brother were asses who landed themselves in jail, but they mostly ignored me. My mom, on the other hand, used me as her personal slave, then threw me out of the house. I guess I don't have much experience with a proper mother, so I always expect the worst, because then I'll never be disappointed. But you surprised me. You bought me stuff, but never made a big deal about it, unlike my mom, who always used it against me to do things so she could sit and get high all the time. You gave me curfews, worried about me, made sure I did my homework, that I didn't work too hard. You gave me a chance to live some of my childhood while I still had a few years of it left. I like the fact that you care enough about me to discipline me, a fact that I think Seth will never understand, and I hope to God he never will.

That afternoon when it was just you and I in the house, and you asked me to help with the model home blueprint and design meant a lot to me. I really enjoyed it. I'd really like to do that again. Maybe, when you finish rehab, I can help around the Newport Group with you. No task is too small! I could use the work experience for college applications, and it would be nice to work with you on this, because I know Seth doesn't share our interest, and it could be something special, between you and me. But only if you want. If you think it's a bad idea, just forget it. Whatever. It's up to you.

You're doing well. 10 days and still going strong. You can do it, I know you can. That's what separates you from my mom. She's tried, but always ends up back on the bottle within a week. But you've got so many people supporting you, and you're stronger than she ever was, or will be. I think for you it's a vice, which grew out of control, whereas with my mom, it was a way of life. So, please keep at it. Prove that you're not another Dawn Atwood. Do it, for us, your family.

Sandy misses you so much. I woke him up this morning to give him some coffee, and he just looked lost, like it wasn't his bedroom, and his bed was too big for him. He's trying to put on a brave face for us, but he really misses you.

I can't really think of anything else to say, so I'll say goodbye for now.

Love you, Kirsten. If anyone can get through this, it's my mother.

Love always,

Ryan

xxxx

P.S. I think Julie's missing you more than she, and we, thought. She keeps trying to wander around in the house. She's thoroughly searched the house to remove any traces of alcohol (which I think she's keeping for herself). I'm scared she might threaten the sanctity of the pool house. Seth's already tried to sleep here. He claimed he was sleep walking, but I'm not so sure.

_Wow, I'm impressed by the speediness of my writing! That's what comes from so many free lessons after exams! Now that the main three are done, I'm thinking of doing letters from Julie, Jimmy, Hailey, maybe Summer and Taryn. If anyone has any ideas of anyone else they'd like me to include, review and tell me. I'm always interested in seeing things from a new perspective_.


	4. Summer

_I've thought about it, and I really like the idea of doing a Caleb one that he supposedly wrote before his untimely demise (idea from caring is creepy), and his and Julie's will appear hopefully sometime after next week, when the finale has aired in the UK. As will Hailey's and Jimmy's._

_By the way, in my last author's note I didn't mean Taryn, I meant to delete her name and put Lindsay, but I forgot. I know she wasn't in the finale, so a letter by her might be an idea, explaining why she wasn't there etc._

_Disclaimer: I don't own the O.C._

**Summer**

Hey Kirsten,

How's it going? That's a stupid question really; I know it's not fun. Before my mom left, she drank loads, and my dad put her in rehab. Didn't do her any good in the end, she still left, left as an alcoholic and a truly crap mother. So you have to get through it, just to prove you're not Macey Roberts. Which, maybe it'll give you a goal; my dad tells me throughout high school you were always bitter enemies with my mom and my step-mom (I agree with you by the way, my dad marries women called Macey and Stacey, who's next, Tracey? You don't know anyone called Tracey do you?). It's weird to think that my mom and my step mom were best friends, and then ended up marrying the same man (though not at the same time, because, ew!).

I'd really like it if, when you get out, you could tell me some stories from when you were in high school. My dad prefers to forget that, but I know that you were in the same grade as the "Ace Team" (yes, the stepmonster still thinks it's such a cool name, twenty years later, just because both of them had "ace" in their names). Coop's dad was a year older than you, and my dad a year older again right? I'd love to see your yearbook; my dad chucked his away for some reason.

I know we've never been that close, but I miss you. It's strange. I think it's because I just think of you as someone who will always be there, and it's disorientating that you're not.

You'll have to come shopping with me, because now that Marissa's…away, I have no shopping partner, and you can never have too many shoes, right? With a house full of guys, if you ever need any girl company, I'm available (unless of course Mrs. Cooper-Nichol, or whatever she's calling herself these days, is keeping you company and you don't need me, maybe I'm too young, I don't know. Whatever you decide is totally cool). I mean, you can't count the stepmonster as a substitute mom, so if there are ever any mom things you've wanted to do, but never got the chance to seeing as you have two boys, I'd be totally up for it. It'd be fun.

The house is falling apart without you (not literally, though, they haven't done any major damage- yet.) Cohen- Seth, I mean, I can't really call him Cohen around you, not only because it's a little rude, but also really confusing. Once I called "Coop" and both Marissa and Jimmy answered. Guess I need to work on some new nicknames, huh? Anyway, Seth is missing you. A lot. He doesn't say much (which is unusual for Mr. Motormouth) but I think that's because it's not something he can quip about. Ryan misses you too; I think the letter you sent him back helped. All your boys are being mopey though, so I've assigned myself the task of keeping them in good spirits. I don't know how well it's working though. I can't tell you what your husband is up to, because it's a big surprise. And I've already said too much, so moving on.

You did an awesome thing allowing Ryan to stay after his Misadventures in Chino. It's affected more people than you thought, and I mean that in a good way. I mean, I have fewer friends now than I did before, but now I have proper, good friends, the type who are always there for you, the ones who would cry at your funeral. We've become a tight knit group, and that, in part, is thanks to you for allowing Ryan to stay. I'm ashamed to admit this, but B.R. (Before Ryan) I wouldn't have given Seth a second glance, because he just wasn't cool. But now I've gotten to know him, the good parts and the bad, I wouldn't want to go back to the way it was before for anything. He's a great guy, Kirsten, you should be proud. Ditto for Ryan. He even managed to slow down Marissa's self-destruction streak, and that's no mean feat.

I've been round the house every day, but I haven't slept over, so no need to worry. We've mostly been hanging out in the pool, or watching movies. We actually saw Alex (Seth and Marissa's ex – how odd is that?) down at the pier when I dragged the boys out to the Crab Shack. Ryan's thinking of getting a part time job there again, but Mr. Cohen isn't so sure. Be glad you missed Seth's lobster puppet show, that's enough to put anyone off their food - maybe that's why Marissa's a vegetarian. Maybe she caught an earlier showing.

I've been toying around with some different types of exercise. I have a punching bag, which is good for rage blackouts, but I want to get fitter over the summer and join in on a group activity. Any suggestions? I know you did Yogalates (which is such an awesome word), but I just wondered what sort of things were out there, and I know Yogalates doesn't run in the summer. I was thinking of something like volleyball, or tennis, something you could do on the beach. Hey, maybe you should join in too. It'd be great. As long as it's not golf, I don't really mind what sport it is (golf gives me bad memories of Oliver).

Anyway, I can't really think of what else to say. My offer still stands, with Coop gone, I'm mostly round yours anyway. You can't get rid of me!

Take care,

Love,

Summer

xxxxxx

P.S. Hailey has commandeered the TiVo and clogged it up with programmes from E, yet she hates Tom Cruise and won't tape the E! True Hollywood Special for me. Is there something wrong with her? Who doesn't like Tom Cruise? I can't believe he's marrying Katie Holmes, I'm so jealous. She's like, way too tall for him. xxxxxx


	5. Caleb

_After watching The O. Sea I thought it would be the perfect time to do Caleb's letter, after his final episode. This would have been written on his last day alive, sometime after Julie suggested he write to Kirsten if talking to her was too hard._

_Disclaimer: I don't own the O.C._

**Caleb**

Kiks – I found this letter from Cal. Thought you might like to read it. I haven't opened it.

- Julie.

Dearest Kiki,

I just want to apologise to you after our argument last night. I hate being on bad terms with you. But, you know me; I'll die before I admit that I was too harsh to you. But I still stand by what I said. You need to get help, Kiki. It was too late for your mother, but it's not too late for you. I loved your mother, and it killed me to see her down a bottle or three every day. Your husband wasn't really helping, being all half-assed about it, so I had to step in and tell you some home truths. Pussy footing around the subject isn't going to make it go away, Kiki. You remember what your mother became like. I don't want that to happen to my little girl. There's still a chance for you. Don't screw up.

If I've been too hard on you at work, I can lighten your workload. Take a break. Go to rehab. No one has to know. I can say it's a business trip. But you need help, this isn't going to go away on it's own.

Wasn't that delinquent's mother an alcoholic? I don't even like the boy but what's the point in taking him in if you're just going to create more problems for him? If Caleb Nichol is defending a felon from Chino, then you know you must be doing something wrong. And what about Seth? Maybe you should stop and think how this will affect your family.

My affair with Renee Wheeler actually occurred about around the time when your mother's drinking spiralled out of control. I'm not blaming her for my infidelity, but she had _cancer_. She was drinking. So much. I know she was in pain, but she wouldn't let me help her. She pushed me further and further away. I was hurt, Kiki, she was dying and there was nothing she would let me do to help her. I know you would probably say that it was an easy excuse for me to say that this drove me into the arms of another woman, but it's not. I wanted comfort. I wanted, just for one day, for things to be normal again. I wanted to forget.

Your mom has always drunk. I thought that was just Newport social alcoholism. But it wasn't. Maybe it started off that way, but not in the end. You realised it, way back when you were going out with Jimmy Cooper to junior prom and came back to see your mom throwing a glass bottle at me, in a drunken rage. I wanted to try and hide her destructive behaviour from you. But I saw the heartbroken look on your face, that had moments before been so happy, as she stormed off to our bedroom. That was a rare occurrence back then, but I knew it had made an impact. Then, when you found out about Lindsay a couple of months ago, and you threw the vase, it was déjà vu. Just like your mother. Maybe I should have spotted it then. I know I've never been the father you wanted Kiki, but I've always loved you and I just want to protect you. But you're not my little girl anymore. You're all grown up and these problems are becoming your problems.

Strange as it may seem (and nothing I would admit to anyone but you), but I can identify with Sanford here. Don't push him away. I'm not going to say that he will have an affair like I did, because he adores you, and he just wouldn't, but you could lose him if you push too much. He loves you, but there's only so much a person can take. I know from experience. I loved your mother, but that wasn't enough to save her.

I know you think I like Hailey better because she looks just like your mom. That's not true. I mean, she may look like her, but you, Kiki; you are your mother incarnate. Hailey is the superficial reminder of my wife. That's not to say that I don't have any feelings for Hailey, because I do, she's my daughter, of course I do. But you have the same character, the same looks she used to give me when I'd done something wrong, the same determination. When I look at you, I see her. Maybe that's unhealthy, but you are all I have left of her. And it breaks my heart to think that you are going down the same route as she did. We lost your mom when she was not much older than you are now. Get through this Kiki; I can't go through it again.

Your family love you Kiki, I love you. I hate arguing with you but I do it because I think that no one else will tell you, Sanford can be far too soft sometimes and it's no place for your children to tell you. I must admit, when Julie noticed it before I did and when it was she who told me, I was stunned. A father should know what's going on in his oldest daughter's life. It occurred to me that we don't spend enough time together outside work, maybe we should start. Try to have a whole conversation without mentioning the Newport Group.

You're damned good at your job Kiki. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise, even me. One day the company will be yours; because there's no one else I trust it to. The Newport Group has been a big part of my life; I built it up from nothing; in a way, it's like another child. When I retire, which I plan to in 5 years, I know you'll do a good job of running it for me. And hopefully allow me to have a nose around every now and then; I foresee retirement being hard on me, Kiki, can you imagine me sitting around doing nothing all day? I think, in the years since your mother passed away, the Newport Group has become my life. But now, once I sort everything between Julie and myself out, family will be my top priority.

So, keep going for your old dad Kiki. I really think rehab would be a good idea. I've seen how things can spiral out of control quickly, and I don't want to see it happening again, especially to you.

Who knows, I may never send this letter and you'll never receive it, and one day I'll find this and look back on this and think what a sap I was! Think about what I said now, and I'll see you soon.

Love you Kiki,

Love always,

Dad

Xxxxxx

P.S. Why did you decorate my office in coloured lights Kiki? You know I can't stand them, they remind me of carnies and I hate carnies! I know it was you, I remember you doing it before just to freak me out. Don't think it didn't work young lady! As they say, revenge is a dish best served cold. Watch out if you don't want Sandy serenading you with show tunes all day and all night. Don't think he wouldn't do it.

_Sniff! I can't believe Caleb, or Jim Robinson as I will forever know him, has bit the dust! Thanks for your reviews so far, I'm not sure how happy I was with Summer's but in the end I decided to post regardless so I could continue. To those of you requesting letters from Kirsten, I may consider posting them in a sequel, but I'm not sure, as I don't think I could get Kirsten's voice down. But who knows? Maybe it will be a challenge for myself over the summer hols. And this Author's Note has gone on way too long so ciao!_


	6. Julie

_Sorry for the wait, RL caught up with a vengeance. Work, last week of school, open day at Cambridge, then worst of all the London bombs (thankfully all the people I know are safe) It is also sweltering here (for the UK anyway). It's the first time I've been on the computer because there's just no air and my fan is crap! I've been blown away with the response to this, thanks for all your reviews, keep them coming!_

_In other words, how awesome was the finale!_

_**Disclaimer**: I don't own the O.C_

**Julie**

Hey Kiki!

How are you? Good. Now the pleasantries are out of the way, I'll get down to it (the letter. Not "it" because, eww. Right here? I'm sure you wouldn't want a detailed account. Line by line. Hey, maybe I could write porn novels. My new calling in life. I could send you some drafts to keep you going seeing as you are all alone… Kiki, don't get your panties in a twist, it's a joke! Speaking of sex, did you know that me and Jimmy are going to have another go at it? (Marriage. Although "it" too. Lots.) And here I would normally be making a joke about you having a heart attack but I know that's not very respectful (and doesn't that show how far I've grown?).

I can't believe the way things worked out in my life. I mean, nearly twenty years married to one man? Me? And it was a good marriage too. I was happy, but I didn't realise it until me and Cal tied the knot. I mean, don't get me wrong, I was fond of the man, but in the end I realised all I found alluring was the money and when he was going to take that away there was nothing left for me in that marriage. I think I loved him, but I was never in love with him. Not the way I am with Jimmy. All this time wasted because of the jealousy I had over a relationship that ended twenty years ago and because I'm the materialistic bitch I am (I can admit it Kiki. I'm not proud of it. Maybe I'm addicted to money. Is there a word for that? Moneyholic?) Even when I was married to Cal I was still Julie Cooper, I will always be Julie Cooper.

I know you and Jimmy have a past. I accept that. It's just you have always been the model to which everyone should set standards by. I could accept the model student, the model daughter, the model mother, even the goddamn model Berkeley runaway. But I couldn't accept you as the model girlfriend. Because I could never be you. And Jimmy could never quite grasp that. I don't know if he ever will, to be honest. He used to idolise you, probably still does, on some level. He's placed you on a pedestal. And my insecurities of being every thing you're not didn't help (yes Julie Cooper does have insecurities, but tell anyone and that'll be the last thing you ever say): not blonde, not rich, not intelligent; what would Jimmy see in someone like me? But hopefully we're past all that now. You're probably his best friend Kirsten. Come to that, you're probably mine too. Which may be a problem. I'm not very good at sharing.

Don't worry, you're in safe hands. I checked out Suriak on the web (I did think about asking Taryn about it (discretely of course), but she's stuck so far up her own ass she wouldn't even acknowledge me! Imagine! Who the hell does she think she is? Don't worry Kiki, you and me against the world. We'll show them. Rehab's gonna be a bitch, but I know you can get through it, because if you can't who can?

I guess something like this shows you who your true friends are, huh? Believe me, I know, sons-of-bitches don't know how lucky they are. All it takes is one eensy (naked) mistake and you're shunned from society. Damn Newpsies. They can conveniently forget about their drug habits, their Guatemalan cleaners they pay less than minimum wage. Bitches. They're just jealous, you know. Of you and me. They know we're better than them, Kiki, and there's nothing they like better than to see the mighty fallen.

I cleaned your house of all alcoholic beverages. Figured might as well kill two birds with one stone. It helps you, and I get all the booze I can find. Sounds like a good trade to me. Sanford's got his heart in the right place but quite frankly he sucks at finding things. Bet he always lost at hide and seek.

You really scared me, you know that? The infallible Kirsten Cohen. I always thought of you as someone who would always be there, steady, the rock to my water. And the thought that you might get washed away really made me think. I know I've always taken advantage of you, because you've always been there to be taken advantage of. And now that you're not, I realise how much you mean to me. I mean, you let me walk all over you to be honest but the only other person you let do that was your dad. No business associates or Newpsies came away unscathed when faced with the mighty Kirsten Cohen. So I guess that makes me feel kinda special. You always listened (sometimes reluctantly I know) and I know there's been times when you haven't particularly liked me, but you've never turned me away which is more than I can say for most people.

Honestly? You are probably my only true friend and I can use all the friends I can get, so you have to get through this Kiki, so we can go shopping, bitch about our guys, run the Newport Group together (I was thinking you do the actual business and I'll be more of a figurehead, but you'll have to teach me some stuff. I want to be a successful businesswoman in my own right. Like you.). Stay strong! If you ever need to talk, you know you can talk on me. I won't talk to anyone. I've changed since last year. I'm ashamed of last Thanksgiving when I told everyone about you drinking, especially when you acted so nice. Why can't you be more of a bitch? Anyway, no one else wants to talk to me outside our group, so no problems on that front. Keep at it, you can get through this, I know. See you soon!

Love and lots of hugs,

Julie

xxxxx

P.S. Carter rang. I told him what happened. He's left, like fifty messages at the Newport Group. The receptionist thinks he's like, your ho. She told me to tell you that she wishes you well and thanks you for the generous donation of wine you have given the company for its summer party (which consists of all the alcohol I found in the offices).

I looked through Cal's desk and found some stuff for you when you get back.

_A/N: I was thinking of doing a Carter letter possibly, what do you think?_


	7. Jimmy

_**Disclaimer**: I don't own the O.C._

**Jimmy**

Hi Kirsten,

How are you holding up, hon? I miss you. It's been forever since we last talked. I feel guilty, it seems like I left just before everything went crazy. But I'm back, here to stay now. You've been my rock for so long, through bad times and good, despite what our partners have thought, despite me trying to come on to you. Now it's my turn to be that for you. You've more than earned it over the years.

You know something? I've never been more scared than at the wake. Just seeing you unravelling, knowing there was nothing I could do, knowing maybe if I'd have stayed I could have prevented it, knowing there was no way this was going to end well. For so long, Kirsten, I've been the one to mess up, and my best friend was always there, no matter what. I don't know how you did it. How you don't really care, in the end, what the Newpsies think, doing what _you_ think should be done – sticking by me, taking Ryan in…the list goes on, kiddo. You're a star.

I know you've always hated having to be "perfect" because that's what everyone expected of you, but you still rose to the challenge. And isn't it ironic, the ones who put you up on that pedestal are the ones just waiting for you to fall off it. The more perfect you are, the more people can't wait to rip you to bits.

I should have wrote to you sooner – see, I'm already crap at being the rock – but I've had to deal with Marissa's problems first. I know you already understand, but I feel like I've let you down again. We may not be related by blood or paper (or are we? It's hard to know these days), but you're still family to me, always have been, always will be. I bet by the time you've been home a week you'll have been so smothered you'll wish you were back in the peace and quiet. Don't worry, Kirsten, everyone still loves you, you can't get rid of us that easily. There are bridges to be rebuilt, no doubt, but no one's running away kiddo.

Julie's probably already told you – she said she wrote to you – that we're giving it another go. I know you never really approved of her in the beginning, but she's changed. I've changed. We both know what we want now. I'm a little disturbed, to tell you the truth, how close you two seem to have become compared to when I left. Julie may be a bitch, but she can be as loyal as a dog to you when the chips are down (as long as it suits her, mind you). Everyone thinks she wanted a divorce because of our family having no money, but our marriage had been stale for a while. She hated the deceit, the lies. Whilst she's never been a "good" girl by any stretch of the imagination, she never cheated on me. She was fed up. Things had been going wrong for a long time. Maybe you and Sandy don't have a perfect marriage, but it's the best damn marriage I've ever known. Hopefully second time round we can be as great as the Cohen's.

I'm sorry about Caleb, honey. I'm probably one of the only people who actually liked and got on well with him, well mostly. I know how much you loved him, I know you would have done anything for him, come hell or high water, and I know, underneath it all, he loved you too. You were his little Kiki. I remember at graduation, he was so proud of you. Even on Prom night, whilst your mother took pictures of us, he lurked in the background, with this look on his face, like his little girl was growing up so fast. He pulled me aside when your mom insisted on taking a photo of you with her, with Hailey, on your own, and he told me to take care good care of you – "she's gonna be the most beautiful girl in the room, James. I expect you to be at her side all night. Look after my little girl or you won't be alive to see the photos". Violent, perhaps – this was Caleb Nichol - but there was no doubt that he loved you with all his heart, even if he hid it. He was a proud man, Kirsten. He saw love as weakness, and Caleb Nichol, business mogul, had no place for weaknesses. He only wanted the best for you, you know, and he didn't think Sandy could be that for you. Although from what Julie's told me, he was starting to come around. I think he wasn't expecting his eldest daughter to be as headstrong and stubborn as he was – he was always waiting for you to cave first.

I always knew you liked a drink, but I never saw you becoming alcohol dependent. I still refuse to see you as an alcoholic Kirsten. Maybe it's because I wasn't there, but everything seemed to progress so quickly. You have a few too many at your father's wake – a father you loved so much – and suddenly you need to be shipped off? What am I missing here K? I don't want to ask your sons, or Sandy, or Hailey, because everything is still so raw. Maybe I should have known from the beginning. You were the only seventeen year old I knew who could drink vodka straight, I was one of the only people who knew your mother had a drinking problem. I'm sorry, Kirsten. I've let you down. You have a crappy best friend. But I'll be better now, I swear. Super-Jimmy, He Who Can!

You can get through this Kirsten. You're the strongest person I know. When you get back, I was thinking we should have a barbeque, or something, just us adults and the kids. No Newpsies, no interfering hags, just the Cohens and the Coopers plus Hailey and Summer. It'll be great, I hear that your husband is a skilled barbequetionist, and Ryan does a mean grilled cheese. It'll be fantastic!

Keep going, kiddo. Just remember, rehab's not the end of the world, far from it, it's a chance for a new beginning. I'm missing you loads, hon, so you better get through this so you can come back to Newport where you belong.

Love always,

Jimmy

xxxxx

P.S. Who told Marissa about the embarrassing hair I used to have? I mean, is there really any need to show _photos_? I know I asked you to keep an eye on her, but really. What did I ever do to you? I would retaliate, but your hair's always been perfect. Bitch. Love ya xxx


	8. Hailey

_Hey, sorry I haven't updated in so long, but first week of the summer hols has been busy…and rainy. Then this week my computer's been a bit dodgy and I've been stressing over the hazard perception part of my car theory test (which I passed- so yay!). _

_**Disclaimer:** I don't own the O.C._

**Hailey**

Hey sis,

I'm glad you're holding up okay. Keep at it, you hear me? I'm sorry I've had to come back to Japan, wish I could have stayed longer, but I have some business to take care of (oh God I'm starting to sound like Dad.) Don't worry; I'll definitely be back the second you get out. I can't see me being much use to you while you're in rehab anyway. We'll spend some time together once you get out, do sister stuff. I'm sorry if I sound too formal, I'm not really very good at writing letters. Don't know the last time I wrote one to be honest. No, wait a minute. 9th grade, love letter to some guy. Yeah…I don't think you want me to write like that.

Until I return, I think you'll be, uh, relieved to know that your family is being taken care of by none other than our _delightful _stepmother (note the sarcasm). I can't believe you actually count her as one of your closest friends. We need to do something about that Kiks, stat. I mean, you can't count the Newpsies as real friends and I think since Jimmy left you've been lacking a proper friend. Which is why you and Julie have become closer. Because she, the wicked witch of the West, is also desperate to have a friend. (I'd get the hell outta there while you still can Kiks. Julie Cooper is not a woman you want to be bestest buds with. Need I remind you of the time not so long ago when she shoved your beloved little sister, aka moi, into your pool?) Ok, so I have no great love of her, but I suppose, if you really really _really_ like her, I could make allowances. But don't expect us to get along sis. She's like, the Lindsay Lohan to my Hilary Duff, or…I can't think of anyone old…er that you might know. I bet Seth has a ton of examples. Oh! She is the kryptonite to my Superman. (Take that Seth!)

Julie and Jimmy. Who would have thunk it? Okay, I knew I wouldn't be with Jimmy forever, but it still hurt, that the second, practically the _second_ I left he started banging Miss I'm-So-Evil-Just-Give-Me-The-Freaking-Horns-Already. Yeah, he told me. Jimmy's not so good with, well, not exactly lying, but concealing the truth, shall we say. I think Jimmy's a sucker for her, seeing as it was his fault the marriage broke up, or so he thinks. Personally, I think if you marry a tart with a heart of stone, what can you expect? But you're still number one to him Kiks. I bet he'd drop Julie like a hot potato for one night with you. Don't look at me like that, missy, you know I'm right. And I went out with him too, so I know. And I'm sorry about before, we didn't mean for you to find out about our relationship like that (although Julie's face? _Priceless._) Looking back, that relationship was doomed before it even began. Me, because I had always had a crush on him, but on the Jimmy who was head of the soccer team, sexiest male at Harbour High 1986. Jimmy, because he was looking for a Kirsten substitute (and do you know how much I have always _hated_ that? Living in your shadow.) And now that the mighty _has_ fallen it feels flat. Guess there's a part of everyone that wants Kirsten Nichol/Cohen to be perfect. When I was younger, all I wanted was for you to seem more…more human, and now I've seen it, I wish things could go back to the way before. Weird, ain't it?

I'm missing you, Kiks, which is strange, because it's not like I've ever hung around for long in good ole Newport. I think it's knowing that you're not there; you're in Suriak, which by the way, sounds like a piece of crappy Ikea furniture. What was Sandy thinking? Anyway, I guess I feel I can bounce off the walls because there's a steady normal, whenever I need it, at your place. And these past few weeks, with just the boys, it's not the same. I mean, don't get me wrong, they've been great to me, but they're going through some rough stuff as well, and I didn't feel that I could freeload off them for much longer. Maybe it's only you I can feel free to feel like that. And it's not even that Dad's gone which is making me feel alienated from Newport. I guess it's because he's never been around for long either, for as long as I can remember he's never stayed at home for long. Although this past year he seemed to settle down a bit…

God, I miss him, sis. I miss the way he would always give me anything I wanted- not because I need money or anything, Kiks, but the fact that he wanted to give me the world. He was never great at feelings, but he always made me feel good this way. I took advantage I know, but the reason we got along so well is because I inherited Caleb Nichol's materialistic pleasure. But he loved you more Kirsten. I mean, he never would have said it but he always had a soft spot for you. I think he's always been a bit hurt that you were more of a Mommas girl, as if you consciously made that choice to hurt him or something. I remember after she died and you kinda went off the rails at him, he just didn't know what to do with you. I guess he was always an ignore it or thrust money at it till it goes away kind of guy, and with you not wanting or doing either, he was at his wits end. I was still at home then, and I thought it was so funny the way he just did not know what to do. I never saw Dad so lost for words before or since.

Don't blame yourself, or feel guilty because the last things you said to him were harsh. I know you will, but you shouldn't because he still loved you, you know, you were still his little "Kiki". I bet you won't miss that will you? You probably will actually, I know I'll miss it. Although Ju-Ju will probably take on the nickname. Caleb Nichol living through Julie Cooper? Now there's a truly scary thought!

Chin up, sis, and think of the good times. You can even think of Julie pushing me in the pool if it makes you smile, although don't tell anyone I said that, ok? You'll get through this, I know you will.

I'll see you at home Kiks.

All my love,

Hails

xxxxx

P.S. If you get back before me, and wonder what happened to the lamp…uh, Seth did it.

_A/N: So I've come to the end of my firm choices, I shall probably do Lindsay and Carter, but I don't know if I'll do anyone else. I won't be doing Marissa, like some of you asked, because I want to leave what happened to her vague (like, if she's in jail or a mental home or if she got off scott-free or what). I also won't be doing Kirsten because I don't think she would address everyone in one letter unless it was short (e.g. to say I'm coming home)._

_Also, I'd really like it if you could read over another of my fics, **And the World Came Crumbling Down,** because it's the first time I've attempted something like it and I would love some constructive input, good or bad. Thanks as always!_


	9. Lindsay

_**Disclaimer:** I do not own the O.C._

**Lindsay**

Dear Kirsten,

I just wanted to say that I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you're in rehab. I'm sorry that it's taken me so long to find out. But most of all i'm sorry that I'm finding it so hard to write you a simple letter. I know there's a lot of stuff I'm going to apologise about, so I'm letting you know in advance, okay?

I almost wish that everything was better, back to normal, whatever that is. But if it was, then I would have no blame and i don't deserve that. I mean, my own father, albeit a newly-realised father, just died and I didn't even go to his funeral. What kind of a daughter does that make me? I just took off with my mom, forgot Orange County and forgot him too. I was just so mad, you know? Not just at him though, my mom, myself. Even you, because you got to have him as a dad no questions asked, you got to grow up with him, you didn't have to have a DNA test to be loved.

I know, from an outside view, to people like Julie Cooper it made sense. But why couldn't he just _know_? And maybe I never made the effort to contact him, but neither did he.

I'm sorry. I never intended to rant at you. It's just - I don't know where else to say this. I can't tell my mom, she wouldn't understand. It feels safer, more rational to write it down. You think before you write, moreso than speaking. Writing dwn jumbled emotions can sort them out. I guess this is my cartharsis, huh? I'm sorry, you're probably sick of talking about problems by now.

This is helping me more than this is helping you, isn't it? Well, my mom always said that to make a person feel better about themselves you should tell them five things you like about them. I'll do it for you, and maybe if you get bored you could reciprocate. And maybe do one about Dad? I'd like that.

So here goes:

1) Your hair. Shallow, I know, but it always looks so pretty. And I'm so jealous that you're a natural blonde. Speaking as a redhead who can never go blonde because she'll end up looking like Lindsay Lohan (who coincidentally, shares my name _and_ my hair colour). I can't go darker either, tried it once, Grade A disaster, let me tell you.

2) Your relationship with Sandy. Sometimes it was strained, but everyone could always tell that you loved each other. I mean, happily married for twenty years? What an amazing accomplishment. And he sang for you. He's such a sweetie towards you. I hope I have a relationship as strong as that one day. I used to wish I'd have it with Ryan, but my feelings towards him have faded, which I think can only be a good thing considering. Maybe we just weren't meant to be.

3) The way that when you found out about me you didn't think of me as your father's illegitimate love child, but as your sister. I know we played about with words like "friend" to prevent the situation from becoming too overwhleming, which I really appreciate, but I knew that what we had went deeper. Even when you were freaked out about me and Ryan (which, by the way, although I was disappointed I totally understood) you took a step back, you didn't cut me out of your life altogether.

4) That you accepted me into your home, your life. Well, accepting anyone really. Me, Ryan, Trey. I like that you don't take it lightly. It makes it more worthy, somehow. Ryan told me a little of how he came to live in Newport (the bare essentials) and I just think it was really amazing what you did, giving him a chance. Giving me a chance. It means a lot.

5) But what I like most about you is that you're a great sister. I've never had a sister before, and I couldn't really wish for a better one. You took me shopping, asked me over for lunch, picked me up from school. It's the little things I really appreciated Kirsten. You took the time to know me when Dad couldn't be bothered. YOu gave me someone to listen to. So, thank you, Kisrten. I love you. I hope this isn't getting too mushy. As a Physics major, I try to be detached and clinical when writing (but sometimes the gooey stuff just cascades out- so I'm sorry. This is one of those times, I'm afraid).

I guess you want to know why I wasn't at the funeral. I was at orchestra when it happened. We were playing Brahms. How ironic, right? I'd never played my oboe so flawlessly and I thought of Dad, how he'd never hear me play unless I miraculously was allowed to play at Hollywood Bowl. He was too busy being Caleb Nichol. Didn't, couldn't, _wouldn't _be Dad. And I thought, screw him. I don't need him. I've got this far without him.

So I went home, and Mom had just got off the phone. She looked...stunned. She kept saying "oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry" over and over again as she hugged me. When she told me I felt numb. Later on, it worried me that I felt more angry than sad.

To say that my mom wouldn't let me come would be easy, but it wouldn't be true. She wasn't keen on coming back to California, but she was supportive. I didn't go because I was afraid. Afraid to see that he was really dead, really gone. If I didn't go, I thought I could just go on pretending he was still alive and just being a bastard. I'm a coward. I know. I'm so sorry Kirsten, I hope I haven't let you down. I don't regret it, because I can grieve for him from here. What I do regret is that I never got the time to get to know him well enough. So, it would be really great, I mean, only if you wanted to, if maybe, you could tell me some stories about him? Show me some pictures from when he was younger?

I hope you are doing well in rehab and continue to do so. I miss you, the whole family. I'll come down sometime. Maybe we could visit Dad's grave together? I don't think that's something I want to do alone.

Love always,

Lindsay

xxxxx

P.S. My mom fell asleep the other day watching The Matrix. It reminded me of you when you did it! xxx

_Please review if you made it this far! _

Ansy Pansy aka Pans_:I got 4 A's in my exams, yay! I take English Lit, History, Maths (Pure and Stats) and Biology (which I will be dropping). I live just outside Cardiff, and we were going to go to Swansea to the beach but we went to the Hard Rock Cafe instead because the weather was a bit iffy! Hope you did well! Oh btw I went to Cambridge on the Friday, lol you asked me bout that yonks ago!_


End file.
